Now that everyone has officially abandoned their New Year’s Resolutions and finished Tidying Up their closets, it’s time to take stock of the unnecessary lingo we have recently added to the dating lexicon. It’s clear that dating influencers have passed the time impatiently waiting for a text back by inventing new ways to describe not getting a timely response from their crush. These additional entries in the urban dating dictionary and the behavior they describe have done little to improve the modern dating landscape. So, let’s say thank u, next to the dating terms that don’t spark joy, and make room for all the new jargon that will spawn out of the bad dates endured in this New Year!
1. Zombieing
Your love story shouldn’t read like Walking Dead fan fiction! That guy you were texting might have moved on by now, but “ghosting” is here to stay. “Zombieing” is like ghosting’s more lively cousin- just when you think the object of your flirtation is gone for good, he returns to haunt you again via text or social media! Once a ghost, is always a ghost, so we shouldn’t reward this behavior with a buzzy label. If someone is performing multiple disappearing acts on you, then that David Copperfield wannabe is keeping YOU in dating purgatory. You want a mate who will be by your side during the Zombie Apocalypse, not someone who “zombies” you because they can’t figure out whether your romantic connection is dead or alive. Hopefully, your close friends can give you the nudge you need to move on because you in danger, girl, of getting your heart broken again!
2. Orbiting
This new dating phenomenon isn’t out of this world. If men are from Mars and women are from Venusthen “orbiting” is like Pluto because it’s just not worthy of recognition. R.I.P. Pluto! “Orbiting” describes the behavior of guys who don’t want to be WITH you but they do want to be AROUND you (in your orbit!) by scoping out your social media posts or reaching out via text. Unless it’s a drone delivering my Amazon Prime order, I’m not signing up for anything that hovers…especially when the hovering happens in my outer social media space. Land that relationship or at least that person’s phone number and start a textlationship. This is Ground Control to Major Tom, if you’re interested in someone, make one small step for single man and text a girl.
3. Kittenfishing
Thanks to MTV (and loneliness combined with the anonymity of online dating) “Catfishing” isn’t going anywhere, but creating an even cuter way to describe misrepresenting yourself online is a-paw-ling! “Kittenfishing” is like the Diet Coke of “Catfishing” and describes the common practice of misrepresenting yourself online with outdated photos or by exaggerating your positive traits to hook potential mates. If you just got back from your 10-year college reunion, then it’s time to retire the college sorority pic you’re using in your Tinder profile. This dating term gives innocent kittens a bad name, and if you’re looking to avoid turning into a cat lady or the male equivalent (a cat-collecting cad? cat-hoarding homme?) it’s better to tell the truth instead of pretending to be purrfect online so that all daters can has realistic expectations.
4. Breadcrumbing
Unlike unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks, this “crumby” behavior leaves you hungry for more. “Breadcrumbing” is the modern dating practice of giving someone just enough to keep them interested without having to really commit (a relationship isn’t in the bag, er, baguette). A modern-day dater can’t live on breadcrumbs alone! A single girl’s gotta eat, so if there’s no bread basket in her future, let her know she’s gonna have to go elsewhere for sustenance! As you string her along, her anxiety will be rising (bread pun intended). The yeast, er, least you can do is let her know you aren’t ready for a relationship. If it eventually works out, you can toast (I’m on a roll!) to honest communication! Let this post be the relationship Roomba you need to clear away those breadcrumbs and have yourself on a clear path toward true loaf, er, love!
